The thing about it is…

There’s something about going on an official diet that… makes me feel like I need to eat everything sweet. And it makes me feel bloated, for like each diet. When I went on the keto diet, well – that wasn’t fun.
Recently, I was inspired by a YT channel called Mind over Munch to go, finally, on the whole 30.  The major reason because there was a set meal plan, and that was my biggest hold up. I was just being quite lazy about putting together meals, and recipes and a shopping list, and having a plan about what I was going to eat – that kind of thing. But, there’s 2 factors that I feel like are already contributing to my failure on day 1. Maybe 3. One of them is a bit tmi. Maybe.

One, since whole 30 has so many rules, I’m in this mindset in which I feel like I need to eat everything that’s sweet or find an alternative that’s sweet. I know that on whole 30, there’s no snacking. But I was just giving myself an exception (already!), like “Oh, I’m just starting out. I’ll eat W30 compliant type snacks. So I was, like, stuffing Lara bars into my face as if that was my only available sustenance.

Two, I started this whole 30 today, totally forgetting that there’s a holiday party coming up in 2 weeks. And I know myself enough to know, that yes, I will be consuming alcohol and if there’s food, yeah, I’m gonna be eating it because it’s all free. So. Why not.

Three, so usually when I go on these diets, I feel really bloated. And I don’t know if that’s a thing, or if i’m feeling bloated right now b/c I’m on my period. I’m not sure.

Either way, (I know i sound like i’m just straight up giving up, but unlike keto, where I fell all the way off the cliff and just said fuck it) I think I’m just gonna take a step back and not impose so much on myself. It’s not like I eat out everyday, or eat a lot of “junky” food – but y’know I do eat pizza, and burgers, and especially sweets.
So I think for me, I need to try to just start being more mindful more mindful and shifting my eye – my food eye- so that I’m not using sugar to satisfy me, and recognizing when I’m actually hungry and not eating just because my stomach feels slightly weird, or because I’m bored. Just being more in tune w/ my body.

And I feel like knowing that when the party comes around, I’m not even going to pretend to try to resist eating and drinking, there’s the thought ‘oh I’m going to restart’ in the back of my mind, y’know. And it’s giving me “freedom” to be more loose.

I think for now, I’m just gonna stat small. For me, that’s cutting out sugar.  When the party comes, I’ll do my thing, and going back to normal, without thinking I just nosedived into the through all the circles of hell, straight into the devil’s mouth.

Ok. That was dramatic.


I have started setting goals and all the fun stuff that comes with the beginning of a new year. Of course, there have been a plethora of videos on my feed – all of which have been great, full with practical tips.
I’ve been following one creator, Thomas Frank, for a while now and while I will almost always watch his videos when they post, I almost never follow his advice. Kinda silly, but then again, I don’t even follow my own advice half the time…
But it’s really useful, so I want to start incorporating at least 1 or 2 tips to start into my routine.

2018 was eh, kinda unproductive for me. It wasn’t particularly bad, nor particularly good. And not too much changed. But I want 2019 to be about revisiting my old hobbies and actively pursuing change that I want to happen, rather than thinking “Oh, I can’t wait when…”.

I’m thinking to share my goals on here, but I still don’t have a set system or routine I want to follow to help me accomplish them…


Best stressed

Like, best dressed, you know?
Anyway, parent teacher conferences just happened last week, and I’m so happy it’s over with. I really shouldn’t have been. But I was so overly stressed about it, I shut down. I wasn’t getting things done, my mood was iffy. It was annoying, to say the least.

What really annoying, actually, is that this is a fluctuating thing. I’ll be productive, motivated, determined for a bit, and then I won’t be. And it just comes and goes, so there’s really no way for me to pinpoint where I get energy from in the first place. 

I’ll figure something out, eventually… 


A *health* post

Y’all know who Jane Fonda is, right? Or you’ve at least heard of her name, maybe.

Honestly, I don’t even know all that much about her, except that she’s a fitness personality (is there more to know???).

My mom had this exact tape. And, wearing my sister’s old leotard (necessary), I would put this in the player, and do this workout every day or every other day in the living room. This was after I had moved on from Denise Austin, whose workouts I did before leaving for school, all still in my uniform.

I’d eventually advance to fitness DVDs and the like, but it’s pretty clear, yeah? I was really “into” fitness.

At 14/15, having a what I considered a “nice body” was one of the keys to being liked, was what I thought. In any case, this desire for looking a certain way went on through the rest of high school and college. I went to a fitness program at my second high school, I ran around the green-way in my neighborhood, I got suckered into Planet Fitness’s $10/month deals (and hardly went, needless to say), I’ve followed fitness blogs and YT channels, I’ve eaten fairly “healthy” (at one point in high school, I legit did a thing where I at 1/2 of everything), I kept food journals, I’ve taken countless “before” pictures, started and stopped fitness programs countless times, said I would start challenges, and surprisingly!, never did… and so it goes.

I’ve failed every single time because I was focusing on the wrong thing.

And I have, for the most part, moved beyond that faulted thinking that made me half-heartedly put effort towards the wrong goal. And I still like fitness, and want to eat healthy, but like…

do I really?

The question I have to ask myself is: what do I want, really want?

I know I want to stop feeling the occasional odd pangs of pain in different parts of my body. I know I want to not feel lethargic and fatigued, even when I’ve been laying about all day. I know I want to be more focused, and not so forgetful. I know I want to do something more productive than eat when I’m stressed (which I’m in the midst of right now), or eat when I’m bored or sad, or in any other strong emotional state.

I really have to re-think my relationship with food if I want to be successful. Even though I’m not into “diets”, I have been looking into and doing research on some particular ones, and I’m still considering the best route to take so whatever changes I make become sustainable.



Today is…

Today is July 20th, 2018.
Today, the average is 80 °F.
Today, I woke up to discover bite on the back of my thigh that has become as big as my palm.
Today, one of my favorite artists released a new album.
I am also very, very broke today.
Today, I said I was going to do laundry, but it’s still piled up in my laundry basket.
Today, I lit a candle.

Today is the day my mom passed away, 11 years ago, Today marks a very big change in my life.

There are so many other things happening, today. I look outside, and see people walking and cars driving. Their “today is…” will be different from mine. Their today might be the same as it was yesterday. It might be great. Or not.

I remember thinking, in the weeks that followed, “How will I feel in 5 years? In 10?” There are so many roles that my mom’s death played in my life, ones that I didn’t suspect.


Language learning trek (1)

It’s spring break, and I’m valiently trying to pick up one of my hobbies again – one of them being language learning. Right now, I have about 15 or so tabs open on the topic, and my biggest, hm, obstacle is creating a curriculum. How should I go about learning? What the most important thing to learn first? How do I incorporate all the aspects of language so that it makes sense?

I have an idea of how I want to go about it, and I did try this way when I was studying Portuguese last year, but then as I kept stuyding, things got a bit complicated, and –
Thinking on it now, I guess the real problem is not adjusting my plans.



Repost: The Mind, Body & Soul Challenge with @Ghana_Goddess!

Source: The Mind, Body & Soul Challenge with @Ghana_Goddess!

I’m gonna do it! Like, for real this time.
Honestly I’ve been feeling pretty down, pretty apathetic, pretty useless. And I’ve been eating it all, which in turn screws with my budget a bit. In any case, I want to start feeling better about myself. These feelings aren’t anything new, and though they fluctuate, I’d rather try to keep them at bay permanently. There’s a lot of, “If this changed then…”, “Once I’m… then…” type of thinking. And sure, yeah, that may be the case. But none of that is happening now, and it seems ridiculous to wait until it does to try and do something. Some things I can control, and some things I cannot. I think this falls into the former category, even though at times it doesn’t feel that way…
Anyway, I’m hoping to come out of this simply feeling better about myself overall, with habits to stay that way, or at least to bounce back faster from all the disparaging.