1 July – 8 July

1 July

I felt the need to knit and so I jumped back on Ravelry and chose this pattern from my queue.
Not too keen about the yarn though, because it’s too fuzzy.

Tmi? 
I guess everything is tmi once it's on the internet.
2 July

I remember seeing a poster for menstrual cups in HS and thinking oh my god no. Since then I’ve used tampons, I’ve had sex and I’m still thinking now – how is this gonna fit?
I’m sure I’ll manage.

3 Jully

Jamaica, Queens

3 July

Tteokbokki from a restaurant in Flushing.

4 July

My first time in the city since quarantine. Same same, but different.

5 July

A full moon.
Picture didn’t come out that bad…

7 July

Got tested for antibodies.
Negative.

8 July

I caught a sock thief!

June 24 – June 29

24 June

A messy room. An abandoned sign. I got anxiety and couldn’t force myself through it.

26 June

I had to travel ~2 hours by bus to pick up something for an upcoming trip. The commute wasn’t that bad and I got a picture of this nice view.

24 June

It’s hard to get good pictures of the moon. I’ve looked it up. You have to have a nice lens, etc etc. You can’t get a sense of it from this picture, but it was a very mysterious looking moon this night.

26 June

After having my hair in mini twists for the past 3 months (!), they’re finally out. Never again.

28 June
29 June

On my way to volunteer.

Weekend vlog 001

I’ve been wanting to do something like this for awhile, but hadn’t started for some arbitrary reason or the other.
It’s kinda rusty, but that’s ok – I’m no cinematographer, after all. Can only get better, after this point, right?

Who is this for? Hm, for anyone who wants to watch, yeah. As I was editing it, I was thinking how it’s kind of like a little journal. Nothing too personal, but just a casual log of my days. I’ve always liked DITL back on LJ, so this is an advanced level of that.

10/26

I had been looking up diy sugar wax videos on the ‘tube the other day, and one of the results was a video about being a “sugar baby”. Which was… interesting. I didn’t watch the whole thing. I’ve always known about sugar daddies, but I never knew what the recipient was called. Sugar baby. Hm.

In other news, totally unrelated, I signed up for a dating site again and I’m giving myself until the end of the year. I’ve received messages; I’ve sent some. There has been no conexión yet, but I’m not stressing it.

10/18

Last time we were together, I mentioned how I was eating so much sugar heavy foods and thhaaaatt… has not changed. I have no set plan for the near future, except just Try To Not. 

hashtag FAIL

I tried making a schedule for planning and it worked out for about .5 seconds. So I’m going to try something else. It’s very frustrating and discouraging when I try to get ahead, and end up behind anyway, and then look like a dumbass. Or when I plan, and then on the actual day, I fall short. Then it’s extra dumb, extra ass.

If you’re an elementary teacher, you know this cover. Look at people in those pictures! Happy, gippy, excited.

I’d like to propose that they replace it with the following to better depict your experience:

Yes, that’s more appropriate.

If you read any discussions or articles talking about the edtpa, it’ll mostly consist of complaints (like this lol), it’s faults and shortcomings, how convoluted it can be, etc.

Not to say that these opinions aren’t valid or legit. Some I agreed with, some I didn’t, some I didn’t even read because those weren’t the results I was looking for, Google.

Now, I finished my program 2 years ago. It wasn’t a requirement that we finish the edtpa to graduate, but that was heavily encouraged, obviously. Can’t get certified without it. So, of course, that means… I just submitted mine last month, and am anxiously awaiting the results (2 more days!).
And I know, okay. I know. But things got rolling faster than I expected when I got hired, and I just didn’t know how to adapt. The adaption took 2 years – time flies. And while I’m not particularly proud of myself for taking so long, it worked out in some ways…

That is to say, the biggest thing that was holding me back 2 years ago was that I didn’t know what to say. Rather, I didn’t know how to say it. A personal fault? A fault of my program? Both? Neither?
(Answer: The first suggestion)

Point is, writing about it was just easier after having prolonged practical experience. It’s like learning a new vocabulary word. When you know: “I’m very happy” and then learning the “ecstatic”, or something.
You get it.

And it’s too bad that the edtpa gets a bad rap, because for me, it forced me to slow aaaall the way down. I think in the midst of teaching, I was trying hard, but not my hardest. There are so many facets to teaching and planning, and it can be a lot to keep track of them. Some of them get lost beneath “meeting the benchmark” and classroom management and item analysis and it goes on.

Having to really explain myself and write it out made me think of how I could do better as a teacher.
What could I do to make my student’s experience better. Like, sure, this strategy works, but why? Yeah, this is the exit ticket that’s provided, but will it tell me what I actually need to know about my class’s understanding.

In essence, the experience just taught me to be more mindful.

BTW, if you are in midst of the edtpa or are soon going to start it, and you’re doing elementary ed with math, I highly suggest using this resource – https://bit.ly/2M5Y89i
Super helpful!

Of counting and control

Recently, I’ve been counting my macros and it’s been great.

Did you get the feeling I was under duress when typing that sentence out? No worries, no one is holding my dog hostage. I can honestly say that it’s been an interesting experience so far.  I remember when I was in high school, I tried counting calories and just not enjoying it because I was too meticulous about it and just ended up giving up after a day or 2. (I also tried to literally eat half of my food for every meal, but that’s another thing.)

The bane of fitness existence for the entire school year was the deli across the street from where I work. It was my go-to for lunch, naturally. If my co-worker said she was getting something, I’d go; if I saw someone else with lunch from there, I’d go; if I bought my own lunch, yeah, I’d still go. It was convenient, cheap, and pretty tasty (depending on who made the food). But you know what else was there:

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is large_27c1f8a8-5eff-41fc-aa79-c21ada73adac.jpg
These!


Image result for red bull can
And this

These, too!

Did you hear that !shock! sound effect with each reveal?  All of them?

I was downing red bulls and stuffing this shit in my mouth with every lunch.

It was less about “eating what I wanted” and more about being stressed out. I knew I was using these things as a coping mechanism, and yet I didn’t want to change it. And this isn’t new (to me; to anyone really), but there’s friction in change.

Soon after school go out, I let the Internet calculate my macros, bought a scale from Bed, Bath & Beyond and put MyFitnessPal in my Chrome bookmarks bar. 

Even though, like the keto diet and Whole 30, there’s still a kind of restriction, I didn’t feel restricted. If I wanted to eat something, I didn’t have to worry about it being too high in carbs or having some banned ingredient in it. Maybe I was doing those diets wrong, but they weren’t for me.

It felt freeing in a way – I could eat anything, as long as it was in my macros. And I felt a sense of control in the logic of it. “If my carb goal is X, am I really going to get one-third of them from this one doughnut? Nope – skip!”

You see the logic too, don’t you?

And, I still feel that way, for the most part. But it can be hijacked. I don’t require much – I can have 2 meals, and be good. (I’m bragging, please feel jealous.)

I can say, let me eat this Levain cookie and chocolate brioche. I only had breakfast this morning, and I’m still below my macros so…

I’m not super strict with my macros, so if I go over, am I going to beat myself up? …Not really….

It’s not so much that I’m not pleased with my food choices (look at these though, c’mon

Chocolate Chip Walnut

), it’s more about the lack of control. Damn, when I type it out, it sounds bad, but I don’t know, I just don’t like my emotions controlling my food choices – and that’s what happened. My emotions dipped and I let them choose what to eat – I wasn’t logical.

Not everything has to be logic and reason, obviously, but this is the kind of structure I need at the moment.

I don’t want to stop this process and give up on it, but I think it’s going to require some reworking, some reflection, I suppose – more that I thought it would. But then again, considering my relationship with food can be what it is, I should’ve known.